Ugh.

So I'm a little under the weather and a little exhausted, so I don't have much to offer tonight. My sinuses feel like they're going to burst at any moment.

So I'll leave you with one amusing anecdote before the day's end. This evening I was out at a bar (surprise surprise) and at one point needed to run to the restroom. Like many bars, the men's and women's rooms were right next to each other, and (again) like many bars, the men's room did not have a reliable lock. Let me first explain this to many female readers: bar men's rooms are notorious for not having a lock that will sufficiently keep the door closed, however, as men, we are usually standing up to pee in there, which in many of these bathrooms means we are facing away from the door. It still makes for some awkwardness, but as long as the back remains to the door, you're usually fine. I don't know why most bars don't at least invest in something as simple as a sliding bolt lock or a simple hook and eyelet system, but that's another issue...

Back to my story. I proceed to the men's room, open the first of two doors (why a bathroom needs a breezeway is beyond my ken), reach for the second, give the knob a tug (not even turn, mind you) and open the door. What do I see? A woman standing up from the toilet. Yes, it's pride weekend, so the prospect of a "woman" in a bathroom is slightly more likely, but still, this was an honest-to-goodness woman or the most amazingly convincing tranny I've ever seen. I quickly let the door go, mumble some inane "Zuh, uh, sorry, um, I don't, uh, sorry." and hop back to the safety of two doors' worth of removal. A few short moments later, she comes out and apologizes to me, explaining that she didn't realize she was in the men's room.

Here's my question: how does this happen so often, especially at bars? I have seen a number of women accidentally go into a men's stall. Do you not realize there are two? Do you not read the door? Are you really that drunk? I mean, I've had times when I've gone to a women's room, but I was fully cognizant of my actions, since there was no one in there, a lock on the door, and someone occupying the men's room for a bit too long. Are these ladies just not detail-oriented people, or does the promise of the awaiting porcelain just get too much and they run into the first door they are able to find that yields successful results?

All I'm gonna say is thank heavens I'm not one of those weirdos who unzips and is halfway ready by the time they cross the threshold of the bathroom, or we both would have had some explaining and apologizing to do.

Hotties.

First and foremost - happy birthday, Pete! And sure, if you want to go there, we can call Pete a hottie.

But what I'm really writing about tonight is a discussion that was kicked around a bit this evening at a little birthday get-together held in my buddy Pete's honor. Somehow discussion of reality shows and whatnot came about, and there was discussion of not only bachelor/bachelorette programming, but also "The Girls Next Door" which, from the little I've seen or heard of it, has to do with floozies milking Hugh Hefner for as much as they can all the while behaving like vapid airheads.

In the course of this conversation, statements were made about how all males, if they were given the option, would opt for a model/centerfold type beauty. Granted, this is strictly in a vacuum, so finances, personal interests, and the man's looks are not a factor. Still, I can't help but disagree. Yes, it's almost impossible to discount personality and all that jazz, but I still don't know that if I found a stone cold fox who loved the same music I did, was a die-hard A's fan, and had an apartment that I could live in for free that I'd necessarily choose her over an "unconventionally attractive" girl who could offer the same things, but chose chunky glasses and Chuck Taylors over Louis Vutton and some Manolo Blahniks.

That probably comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me. Anyone who has spent significant time out with me, especially at bars, ESPECIALLY at bars in the Mission, all know my "type", but here's the thing that makes me very curious: can you separate someone's overall look from how you categorize them? Or, in the end, do the clothes really "make the man"? If, starting tomorrow, I moussed up my hair, bought all designer jeans, got a spray-on tan, and wore unscuffed white tennis shoes, but still played in the same bands and read the same books, would people still think the same of me? Granted, I'd see myself in the mirror and try to kick my own ass, but still. What about finding some cutie in a hoodie and skinny jeans that only wanted to talk about the last episode of Oprah or who the latest star created by American Idol?

Yes, these are extreme examples, but I hope if nothing else that this posting has made you think a moment or two about your aesthetic. In the end, what you like and what you are like tend to go hand-in-hand, but it's just something to be cognizant of when seeking out members of the opposite sex...

Video fun.

Just a few random things from the interweb that I thought you folks might enjoy. Some of you have probably seen some of these before, some of you might not have; either way, there's no substitute for when you're feeling a tad uncreative than to let other people do the creativity for you...

Bo Burnam - New Math. This kid is a genius, plain and simple. Watch all his videos and try not to laugh your ass off.


Continuing the moustache chatter, and reminding everyone that The Tick was one of the finest animated cartoons of the mid-to-late nineties:


"The Hipster Olympics" it's good, not necessarily great, but should provide a laugh or two:


Headlights - "Cherry Tulips" Not necessarily an amazing video, but a catchy song from a band that a LOT more people should know about.


Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - "Think I Wanna Die" This is just a ridiculously catchy song with a hilarious video from a band with a silly ass name.


The Decemberists - "Bandit Queen" This is one of those lesser known treasures that was recorded in the Picaresque recording session, but ended up coming out on the EP Picaresquities (tap dance solo and all)


And what would a video posting be without at least one We Are Scientists video?? Here's the vid for the new song "Chick Lit"


This is what I should do for a living...

Pop quiz.

Okay folks, since I spent quite a bit of the evening last night coming up with my facial hair extravaganza, tonight I will keep it simple. I have roughly one week ahead of me in which my work is going to be incredibly slow (slower than usual, which says a lot) and I will still be patiently waiting for July to begin working on my thesis stuff. Here is the crux of my situation: I'm low on cash, I can't comfortably sit around the house and read (the fam doesn't subscribe to the same love of reading that I have, so sitting and reading books for days would be "a waste of time" to those whom I share a home with), and I don't want to spend every waking minute in the coffee shop.

So what can a kid like myself do to kill time in a somewhat constructive way that will not only occupy my attention in my waking hours, but will also keep me out of the ever-vigilant eye of those who might try to rope me into doing "something constructive with my time like vacuuming or re-re-re-organizing things around the house." I hope to do some bike riding, but am at a bit of a loss for other time consuming, yet cost-effective ways to pass the time.

Whaddaya say?

Mustaccio.

Well, at least the weather has mellowed out again, so I feel that I am physically a bit more able to function than I was yesterday.

The last couple of days have been filled with facial hair. Not mine, mind you, but others around me. So I thought in honor of this interesting turn of events, I'd try to examine a little bit about what the heck is going on in this facial hair revival. Some time ago, I made the argument that Tom Selleck's "Magnum" moustache was one of the more formidable moustaches seen in entertainment. I was thrilled that other people also weighed in on their opinions. I'm going to run through a few popular or common facial hair options and give a little closer examination to the pros, cons, and in-betweens of these various styles.

MOUSTACHES

The Magnum: I've already mentioned it a few times. Think Selleck, think Ned Flanders. It's the only thing those two fellas have in common. This is the big 'n nasty of moustaches. It goes from immediately under the nostril to the edges of the mouth, and no further. It's thick and lush. Left unchecked, it can be nauseating to look at, but if you keep it clean, you'll be a hit with the ladies. If it worked for Ron Burgundy, it can work for you, too.

The Fu Manchu: This particular 'stache shows up in two incarnations. The first is the original and truest, which requires the edges of the moustache to be long and flowing. I don't know anyone who can rock this naturally. Other than Boris Karloff, of course, and his was a prop. So for us mortal folk, there's the hipster fu manchu, which is probably the most widely seen and accepted form of the ironic hipster moustache. It roughly resembles an upside down horse shoe. When it comes to this bad boy, the bushier the better.

The Frenchie/The Pencil: Yes, I'm lumping the two together, but it's mainly because they are only separated in mindset and the little patch right under the nose. Each are thin, and while the pencil connects from edge to edge across the mouth (a la John Waters), the frenchie is split in the middle by generally no more than a centimeter. It may also, on rare occasions, be curled up at the tips.

The Handlebar: A thick, lush 'stache that curls up at the ends. Rollie Fingers was one of baseball's great closers, he's also one of the world's best handlebar moustaches. Look out, ladies, this one is making a comeback in a major way. The real secret is to find the right wax to give both hold and maneuverability.

The Franz Joseph: Want to look like an 1800s saloon owner? Just grown your sideburns along your cheeks and connect them shits into a thick and heavy moustache known as the Franz Joseph. Then drop some trivia knowledge that your facial hair was originally inspired by the first emperor of Austria. This look is limited to folks who can grow respectable cheek-beards, so users are sparse.

BEARDS

The Short-Box beard: This is your all-purpose beard. It's well-trimmed and sinks no lower than the jawline. This is the beard people should think of when they hear the term "beard". Unfortunately, if you let this one get out of hand, you end up looking like the flannel-sporting "Al" from TV's Home Improvement, or any of the guys on "This Old House".

The Goatee: This is the vanilla ice cream of beards. It has been criticized as being over-utilized by portly men to draw attention from double chins, or to create more chin where one has a weak jawline. I find that, when paired with respectable sideburns, this is the best bang for your facial hair buck, and it's hard to mess up as long as you keep it SHORT. No one wants a shaggy goat.

The Soul Patch: In my life, I have met one man who can make this work without looking like a complete tool. Alas, every wannabe yuppie paired the soul patch with a ponytail when they wore jeans and a sports coat and ruined this look forever.

The Landing Strip: Like the soul patch, but it extends to the bottom of the chin. It looks horrible no matter what. However, you can only make it worse by growing out long, scraggly hairs from a soul patch and letting them fall to the chin. For the worst, most egregious offender of this look, do yourselves a favor and do a google image search for "Scott Spezio". It makes me want to vomit, looking at that pink mess.

The Chin Patch: Essentially a goatee without the moustache component, this can be hit-or-miss. It tends to scream "look Mom, I'm seventeen and can grow facial hair!" but it can create a bit of flair for the right person. Don't let it creep down the neck, because that's just gross, and don't let it get too long or else you end up looking like Scott Ian from Anthrax. And unless you're making a tribute to the late Dimebag Darrell, PLEASE don't dye it pink and fork it out.

The Chinstrap: Also known as the gladiator, this can be a very flattering beard. It's basically a moderately wide swath of hair from sideburn to sideburn, via the chin. It's self-explanatory, really. Most people would think Big Papi, I prefer John Goodman in The Big Lebowski for the best celeb chinstrap, though he accompanied it with the moustache. Perhaps that's the difference between the gladiator and the chinstrap...
WARNING: while the chinstrap is almost universally flattering, don't leave it too thin, because then you look like one of those idiotic douches with the pencil-thin goatee/sideburn thing going on, and no one wants to be that guy.

The Anchor: A sadly under-utilized facial hair option. You're looking at a well-groomed chin patch (edge of mouth to edge of mouth) flowing into a landing strip (which is fine when connected to other facial hair, just not alone), creating the visual affect of an anchor on your chin. Works almost primarily with dark-haired folk.

The Coverall: Never a good look. Eric Clapton may be the only man left on the face of the earth that thinks this is okay. As the name suggests, you just let it all go, and keep it somewhat kempt and close-trimmed. It looks more like you're coming off a three-week bender.

The Amish: Sometimes called simply a neck beard, this is when one keeps everything clean shaven from the chin up, and lets the forest run wild down below. This look also makes me want to vomit. It worries me that metal heads have taken to growing this beard with a shaved head. Henry David Thoreau is the only person to make this look bearable.

The Grizzly Adams: Want to look like a mountain man while riding public transportation in a major metropolitan city? Just let the beard take over. This is a surprising (to me, at least) hipster favorite. Granted, men of larger statue should avoid this beard, widely due to it's "hairy bear" association. Just keep in mind: you want to be Grizzly Adams, not Gentle Ben.

This isn't discussing the weather...

... but it's too damn hot. Even in my basement hovel it's still in the 80's. San Francisco isn't supposed to be like this.

I have no idea how people survive when it's over one hundred degrees most of the summer. I guess it's something you get used to, but it sure as hell isn't something I'll ever get used to. Give me mid-sixties and partly cloudy any day.

I'd love to write more, but I have to get cleaned up before I head out...

Collectors.

I had a few different topics in mind when I sat down to write this post, but as I logged in, I noticed that one of the "blogs of mention" or whatever it is that they link to with the hopes of supporting lesser-known blogs, and I could tell by its title that one of the blogs was dedicated to a vice which is nearly particular to the uncool nerds: stamp collecting. First, a caveat - I am not here to bash stamp collectors. My father is one. I just don't understand it. Having said that, I still stand by my claim.

The real question that seeing the aforementioned blog brought to my mind is: how do you define a collector? Most people would consider me to be a guitar collector. I prefer to think that I just happen to have a hell of a lot of guitars, and I know a lot about them, and guitars in general. Same with CDs - it's not like I actively seek out rare or out of print CDs, I just try to get music into my ears. I don't care about having original copies, usually; I'm often content just to borrow an album from a friend or anything like that. I tend to hoard books, but that speaks more to my tendency to re-read books, rather than my desire to have a lot of them. Hell, right now 90% of my darling books are residing in meticulously sorted boxes in my garage.

I have also noticed that the concept of collecting is somewhat foreign to the younger generations. Yes, I realize that at twenty seven I sound like a prick when I make generalizations about "younger generations", but I don't give a damn. How many kids these days have a stamp collection? Baseball cards are all but gone. (that's another blog, since that is all a product of corporate greed) Magic cards, the rage of my later grade school days have fallen to the wayside, but paved the way for things like Pokemon cards or Yu-Gi-Oh or Card Captors or whatever shit it is the nerdy kids are into these days. Action figures are not nearly what they once were (what kid didn't have a somewhat respectable group of Star Wars action figures back in the 80s??). All of it has been replaced by the desire to have the cool new technology before your friends do. Think about how many high school kids thought they were so ahead of the curve when they had their Sidekick like a year or two ago; they were such a status symbol that kids even wore them around their neck, though it's also due in part to the fact that they are too friggin' big to stick in a pocket. Still, imagine what must have gone through all those kids' heads when Apple unveiled the iPhone. Now that Apple is lowering the price, will ANYONE out there buy a Sidekick anymore? Hells no.

Sorry, got on a bit of an old man kick there for a minute. Back to collecting. I think at the core of the definition of "collecting" is the hands-off mentality. People who have stuff tend to use it. I read books and comics. I listen to my CDs, and when I have the opportunity to, even listen to my old LPs. I play all my guitars, though not at the same time. Collectors are the folks who worry about original packaging, resale value, original issue, and the term coined by collectors for collectors, "mint condition." These are the people who, as kids, refused to take their toys out of the packaging to play with them, preferring instead to look at them and examine every angle through the opaque plastic boxing. The teens who went to shows, bought a t-shirt of the band, hung on to the ticket stub, and put the whole thing artfully in a display under Plexiglas.

So what's the lure? Is it a sense of competitiveness? Is it genetic? Or are there some people who take more joy in seeing something cool or fun than interacting with it at the risk of causing it some slight damage. I could go on a whole tangent about the process of making new guitars into "relics", but that might take a whole other page. Let me know what you think, I'm curious as to what drives us as a culture to collect whatever it is that floats your boat. Maybe it will help explain why I have an entire shelf jam-packed with baseball cards in the uppermost reaches of my closet.