For old time's sake.

Those of you who were at any time in the past my Myspace friends my recall that I really cut my comedic teeth on all of those inane surveys that used to float around Myspace bulletin land. So I thought just the sake of sweet memories, I'd treat all of you to one tonight. Enjoy!

BASICS
Name: Guillaume.
Age: Old enough. To party.
Location: 37° 37' N 122° 23' W
Girl or boy: testicled American. Then again, this is San Francisco.
Single or taken: if you're reading this, chances are you already know.
Like anyone?: no. no one. And I mean no one.

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Do you celebrate Christmas?: I celebrate "International Happy Birthday Jesus Day"
How much do you normally spend on Christmas gifts?: I tithe one tenth of my income.
How much do people spend on you?: Less and less every year.
Do you give gift cards?: I give gifts. I give cards.
Do you make stuff?: Yes, and sometimes I make in my pants.
Do you give gift baskets?: I am gift enough sans basket.
Do you give big presents?: Go big or go home.
Are you done with Christmas questions?: I was done before I started.
What kind of shoes do you like to wear?: Low tops?
Do you shop at J.C. Penny?: No. I have been known to shop at JCPenney though.
Do you go shopping on Black Friday?: In e-commerce, it's more of a religious holiday.
Who was the last person to talk to you that wasn't related to you?: C-Nutz

ABOUT YOUR BEST FRIEND

Are they single?: No one is single anymore. Except me.
Do they like anyone?: No. They don't even like me.
Do you think they are attractive?: As a rule, all my friends are more attractive than me.
Have you ever felt feelings for your best friend?: I feel many feelings for my best friend. Sometimes I even feel friendship.
Have you ever fought with them?: As I have stated, they don't like me. Hence fighting all the time.
Have you every fought over a girl/boy with them?: The proper term is "transvestite" and the answer is no.
Are you their best friend?: I'm everyone's best friend.

FAVORITES

Color: Black, like my soul.
Restaurant: P. Chow.
Singer: I play in surf bands. I don't believe in singers.
Band: Rubber.
Superhero: Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na....
Book: On the Road.
Movie: Let's just say I'm an achiever.
CD: CDeez nuts.
Song: Anything documenting the subtle intricacies of ghost riding the whip or going stupid, dumb, and hyphy.
Article of clothing: My sock garters.
Stereotype: The one about how white people can't drive, are lazy, and love eating watermelon & fried chicken.

SHUFFLE YOUR MP3 PLAYER AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS

What's your name?: Approaching Pavonis Mons By Balloon (Utopia Planitia)
How do you feel about your best friend?: It's Natural to be Afraid (The Paper Chase Mix)
What is your favorite Song?: No Sign of Life
Why?: Riot Van
What is your favorite Childhood toy?: Skate and Bait
Do you have any pets?: Necronomicon Ex Boardis
How do you feel about your siblings?: Don't Leave Me On My Own
How do you feel about your girlfriend/boyfriend?: Topless Beach

THIS AND THAT

Black or white?: Things are never that simple.
Pink or Black?: I never say no to the pink, but once you have black you never go back.
Christmas or Halloween?: Arbor Day
Christmas or Thanksgiving?: Columbus Day
Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus: I refuse to support any "musician" backed by a cartoon mouse.
Coke or Pepsi?: Always loyal to the Royal. Crown, that is.
Shoes or high heels?: High heels are only for "naughty time"
Sneakers or flats?: Does anyone out there call them sneakers anymore? Why not just call them "trainers".
Makeup or hair?: Au naturale, au alopecia.
Love or money?: I have essentially none of either. And no idea how to get some.

MORE BASICS ABOUT YOU

Do you have any pets?: I have a revolving door of goldfish. My plumbing stays busy. I blame the pH levels.
Siblings?: Only one. I still think I absorbed a twin, which explains my big bones.
Pick three cousins, and name them: I refuse to dignify these questions
Tell me why you chose them: with a response.
Are they related?: Umm... they're cousins.
Who are their parents?: My aunts and uncles.
How old are they?: Older than me.
Do they live close to you?: No. This was wildly time wasting, and I apologize on behalf of whatever friggin' moron wrote this inane section.

ENDING QUESTIONS

Did you like this survey?: Again, I don't like anything. Moreover, this survey has actually raised my ire a bit.
Do you like to do your hair elaborately?: If by "elaborately" you mean "run your fingers through your hair after falling out of bed", then yes.
What's your favorite website?: You're looking at it.
Are you preppy?: Only when Muffy and Pierce are willing to take a break from their polo lessons and join me at the Country Club.
Emo?: Just ask the blood on my laptop.
Skater?: The last time I tried to skateboard, I fell on my ass and the board almost got run over by a bus.
Goth?: Only when the dark queen Azmandara deems me worthy, which she only does when the demagogue Zul emits the evil word to her.
Girly?: Only on the inside.
Dorky?: 24-7. Just ask the glasses. Or the fact that I'm doing a myspace survey on my fucking blog.
Snobby?: Only when I have to be around poor people.
Jock?: Only on the days that I totally gun my lats.
None of the above?: Only when I'm not any of the above.
What would you label yourself?: "Do Not Touch"