Gas, Brake, Honk.

For all my complaints and gripes about MUNI and the number of times I have been subjected to a bunch of weirdos in my general vicinity, I still actually prefer it to commuting. Not only do I not have to just sit idly in my car as I inch along slowly towards my destination, I get to read, and best of all, I don't have to worry about taking my life in my hands every damn time I try to change lanes.

I was reminded of this fact this morning. See, I was walking towards work, which is almost directly across from an onramp for the Bay Bridge. I'm snapped out of my drowsy morning stupor by dueling car horns. As I look up, two very fine import cars are neck in neck coming up the street. Quickly, the issue is evident: the one in the onramp lane does NOT want to be there - they want to merge to the right and continue down the street. The second car is on the street and wants to merge left into the onramp lane. So essentially, they want to switch places. But here's the issue, gentle readers: neither of these cars wants to slow down to let the other one in. Quite the opposite, really. So how do they deal with this miscommunication/battle of wills?

By frantically honking at the other car while speeding way up. Because that makes sense.

Next thing I know, these two asshats are blowing down the street at about fifty miles per hour. The rest of the traffic is even hanging back because this can't end well. Finally, one of them slammed on the brakes and let the other merge. I didn't look because I didn't want to really witness the outcome, but I did hear the tires screeching to a halt.

So in the remaining half a block or so, I started thinking about it. Maybe there is a different code for people in cars and people on foot. I mean, naturally there is, because no pedestrian ever ran over a car and killed it, but you know what I mean. Then a sudden thought popped into my head.

My nightmare: horns for pedestrians.

And I'm not talking some little "beep beep" button or a bike horn. I'm talking about one of those gnarly pressurized air horns like boats have. Can you imagine that? Someone in front of you is walking slower and you can't get around, just reach in your bag or whatever, and honk the living fuck out of 'em. That will teach them to walk on your sidewalk! Someone brushes your shoulder as you pass them in the opposite direction "wauuuuuugh" and they will know just how awful they are. The possibilities are limitless, and if it ever happens in the real world, I would have to find some other means of going places than driving or walking, which might make things a little more... trying.

And I leave you with the words of the great sage Homer Simpson:
I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas brake honk. Gas brake honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.