My New Car Is So Great, I Don't Even have to Know How to Drive!

Okay. Tell me you've seen those commercials. The Mercedes ones, where the morons talk about how badly they can't drive, but it's okay because because the car fixes the mistakes for them. They get me just unwarrantedly angry. I'm talking I kind of lose my shit. (Yes, the video is right there, but there's another one like it too that's been all over TV lately)

See, I am a simple man who believes in the fine art of driving. The closest I've ever come to a luxury car was my 1978 Cadillac, which was incredibly luxurious, but was considered state-of-the-art for having a tape deck instead of an 8-track player. I've never owned a car with seat warmers, cup holders, a backup camera, or a lot of the other amenities that you hear about with new cars. (No, cup holders are not a new-fangled luxury development, but come on, is a simple place to put my coffee while driving too much to ask, Isuzu?) But here's the thing: I don't need them. I have my four wheels (five if you count the steering wheel hurr hurr hurr), my engine, and an entire brain full of driving know-how. I can parallel park in spots that I shouldn't rightly fit into. I understand merging lanes from an onramp. I can stay in my lane, keep safe distances from the car in front of me, and even stop in a comfortable manner. I know these are all shocking and high-risk maneuvers for some people, but for chrissakes, it's something that should come second nature to people who deem themselves functional enough to actually operate a motor vehicle.

So, maybe now you can understand why this commercial tees me off so much. I am all for these wonderful technologies that will help keep unsafe drivers a little safer. But you know what might really make them a hell of a lot safer? Getting them off the road. Making sure they don't drive because they can't drive. Yes, it's fantastic that a car can correct your drifting into another lane, but if you knew how to drive in the first place, or weren't too busy adjusting your radio, talking on the phone, drinking your latte, and yelling at your kids in the back seat at the same time, you might have not gone over that lane line in the first place. I just find it ridiculous that car companies have given in to the fact that when a vast majority of the population is driving, they have their heads so far up their own asses that they can't be held accountable for actually, you know, driving their friggin' car.

So, help me out folks. I never thought I'd say this, but get on that horn of yours. When someone is driving like a damn fool, use that glorious invention on your steering wheel to correct the driver and their idiot driving before their car has a chance to, or in case their car can't. I will do my part, but I have an Isuzu Rodeo, and if you've ever heard the horn on those things, they can't hardly scare a kitten.



Sorry for all the bitterness and spite recently, but apparently my decreased caffeine intake over the last few days, paired with the warm-ish weather, has made me a bit churlish. I will do everything in my power to make sure that my next post is all silly, smarmy, and wry as you usually tend to expect.