Arright, so I was out buying bread tonight to bring to dinner at my friends' place, and (as those of you who follow my Twitter, Tumblr, or FB already know) Trader Joe's, the universe's standby for bread, was completely tapped out. I am not exaggerating or doing anything for effect. There wasn't a damn piece of bread to be had in the whole store. I'm talking like end of days Y2k stocking up kind of lack of bread. From the right side of the entire aisle of bread to the area where the muffins and cookies are sold, there was not a single item to be purchased.
So, I came up with the brilliant thought to try the Boudin bakery just down the way in the mall. If you are from SF, and have been to Stonestown Galleria, you probably know the geography of this story well, and if you don't, let it suffice to say that I had to trapse the entire distance of a moderately sized mall in order to get from point A to point B. As I made this journey, I decided to make the whole experience a little more interesting by seeing if I could walk the entire distance without breaking stride. It's these little challenges I do from time to time to attempt to restore my faith in the common sense of humanity, and oh what a mistake that was.
If there is one thing I came to realize from this trek through the mall was that the heads of my fellow man are so deeply embedded into their own rectums (recti?) that I might as well have been walking around a herd of misguided cattle. Sadly, I can't count on my fingers the number of people who were just wandering slack-jawed, completely content to meander their way through the evening. (see image at right) Yes, I know people window shop, and I know that not everyone places the value on ambulation that I do, but I can't help but get a little frustrated at families walking four abreast who have to stop to examine spots on the ground, what kind of mannequins are in the window, or how it is that the little garage door-style grates come down to close off stores at closing time. They might as well be like monkeys picking nits from each others' fur for an early evening snack. Even worse is the people who stop to answer their cell phones as if walking and talking were a herculean task that just shouldn't be attempted in public. I damn near ran over two separate people whom I happened to end up behind because they came to an immediate halt to stand stock still, check their phones to see who was calling, and then begin a conversation as if they were the only people within a hundred yards. Yes, I'm an old coot. I think that there are conversations that can wait. I think that yelling into your phone in a public place to try to carry on a conversation over the general humdrum of the mall is dumb. Still, my bigger gripe is not having the slightest concern for those around you and the fact that they might actually want to walk at a normal pace or not have to constantly side step these odd techno-zombies. I can't help it; I'm a man of decorum - I still look behind me whenever walking through a door that might need to be held open for someone behind me. That happened too tonight - I was entering the mall maybe two strides behind this couple, and I almost caught a faceful of door because I mistakenly assumed that when the guy turned around and almost flicked his cigarette into my chest, he might have realized there was someone right behind them headed in the same direction.
Sorry, I digress. The world is not a sad and terrible place. There are still plenty of things that uphold my faith in humanity, like kitties that wear people clothes, free Tetris, good music, olympic weightlifters who look like they might explode at any moment, Star Wars rock and roll motivational posters, 90210 reruns, and finally, this video of a Corgi doing bellyflops.
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