The "We" Thing

I spend a decent amount of the week (and really a decent amount of my life these days) around a number of married friends and coworkers. I am a big fan of all of them, and all of their respective spouses (at least those I've met, and hell, even those I haven't met). There's one thing, however, that does tend to grind my gears a little bit.

Yes, I know this comes from my bitter single self. It comes from having oh... six years or so of fairly contiguous singularity. But I tell you what, it still kind of makes me a little grumpy from time to time when friends only in the "we". And no, I don't mean the royal "we."

For instance, when I ask a friend what he (because let's be real, it's a he 95% of the time) did the past weekend or what he's up to that night, I am asking him. I know that for most married couples (at least I'd certainly hope so) their evening and weekend plans often involve one another, but come on. Once you light that unity candle, there's a reason you don't blow out your individual candle. To hear statements like "we don't get out as much as we used to" or "I have to see what we're up to this weekend" it is really just a way of making it seem more passive that you have to check with the wife before doing things. I get that. I understand that. Hell, I support that. By all means, please communicate with your loved one. Just don't try to pass it off as something it isn't - just say "I have to check with the wife" or whatever it is. And when I ask how you are doing, I am asking how you are doing. Allow me that and give me a straight answer; chances are, right after I ask that, I'll ask how the wife is doing. (or the husband, or the life partner - I love 'em all)

Yes, I realize in the sick twisted world that is English Grammar, the plural of two people is also "you". If anybody knows that, it's me. But do you really think your single buddy would really be asking about the coupled activities that filled the days of you two people sharing in matrimony?

Again, I know that I just sound like bitter single guy, but I really don't think I am (at least not in this particular instance). I congratulate and commend all of you wonderful married readers for your years of wedded bliss, and I wish you many more, and in this case, I do mean you as in you two, whomever "you two" may be. But I just want to put the word out there as a public service announcement for all you wonderful married folk, be mindful of your "we" since there are some people who have been an "I" for entirely too long.

"Bee boo beep beep boo" Means "I Love You"

So something has been kicking around the back of my head recently, and I thought it has finally come time to get it on paper. Er, monitor.

Anyhow, with my sister's recent nuptials I got to thinking about the wild and wacky world of dating. I find it interesting that in our modern interwebby times, so many people have turned to online dating. There's nothing wrong with it; it clearly worked out smashingly for my sister, but hell, she's a rare success story from what I've heard. It's sad really, people who I know deep in the depths of my heart are fantastic catches exchange information on successes and failures of the various dating sites they've used. It's like exchanging information on car repair places or dentists.

Is this what we've become? Are people getting to the point where we get everything online? I know that I love the convenience of the 'net: I can get shoes, a computer, books, guitars, and anything else that can be bartered or swapped for. But is this really where we should be looking for love? Plus there are seemingly tons of sites to choose from. But I suppose the thing that almost weighs most on my mind is: if all these wonderful people I know are using these dating sites, and apparently not having any luck, what the hell chance does a guy like myself have? I mean, the folks I know who are using some of these dating sites are good looking, smart, have killer jobs that they love, and are just plain altogether good and interesting people. How is it that they're having to use an online personals site? Is this just the trend that is emerging in our more and more web-reliant times, or are people just giving up on more "traditional methods" of meeting people more quickly?

Stop and think about that for a hot second... fifteen years ago (not that it really applied to me at the time) people who were still single in their late twenties and on were probably not running off to the newspaper to post personal ads in the papers. Is this just another logical step? I mean, I know a thing or two about social networking and stuff like that, but goddamn, I just can't feature it.

So riddle me this, dear readers, is this whole online dating thing just the furthering of our internet reliance, or is it an instance of people giving up on the good ol' traditional means in favor of something new?

That's just messy.

So this past week I was out with my friends after leaving a show. We were standing around, flapping our gums a bit before we all went our separate ways, and during the course of our conversation, a couple walked out of the venue. The guy turned to the right and started down the block, and the girl yelled behind him "where are you going?" Now, let me try to describe this one. This was not the "where are you going?" that you get when you start down the wrong direction on the street because you've forgotten where you parked your car. Rather, this was the "where are you going?" that would be asked of someone fleeing a crime scene or the mafia. It was full of desperation, full of sadness, and, to a certain degree, full of anger.

The guy turns around, and he and the girl begin walking up the street in the opposite direction of the way he'd originally headed. My friends and I all sort of shrug at each other, cock our heads to the side, and let the two slide from our vision as we continue chewing the fat. A short time elapses, and the next thing I know, I look up the block at some sudden movement in the direction of the couple, and the girl, seemingly out of nowhere, kicks the chain link fence that lines the sidewalk on which they are talking. Suddenly, I realize they have been having a rather intense "conversation" for ten, maybe fifteen minutes. Then, in that blink of an eye, it all came together: the yell, the kick, the length of the conversation - it all made sense: they were having a messy public breakup. What followed made it obvious; there was crying, shooing away the comforting of the guy, sitting on the curb, and when I left, she had moved to a bus stop island, and was sort of crumpled into a ball and crying.

So here is where I have to get into a little analysis: see, despite my crabby and generally sarcastic exterior, I tend to be really altruistic. When I see someone in a bad situation, much like this young lady was, it is my natural imperative to try to help them as best I can. However, there wasn't much I could do here: as I was leaving, at least I took specific notice to make sure that the guy she was with was sticking around, and making sure that whatever happened, she would at least make it home safely. And it's moments like these that I always feel torn - as a generally good fella and someone who tries to do his best to his fellow people, I always feel like I should step into situations like that and prove that in the end I am, in fact, a mensch.

This is not the first time I've been in a similar situation, and I have had the same thing happen almost every time: I see some situation like that, but something always stops me at the last minute from going over there and helping the person, and it makes me wonder, am I really that great of a guy? Can my intentions to want to help someone who I can see is clearly in a tough spot really mean much of anything if I don't step up and offer them a shoulder to cry on? Or have I just become desensitized by San Francisco - the odds are pretty even that for every time I help someone there are just as many chances of them being a nice person who really just needs someone for them as there are chances of them being either violent or crazy.

Also, I've always been curious about how these weird public breakups happen. These kids were at the same show that we were at; everyone seemed to have a good time, the bands were all talented and played solid sets. Did this guy just decide to dump this girl mid-show? Did he randomly start making out with some girl only to get caught by this poor heartbroken young woman? Did they break up and decide to still go to the show with the hopes they could make it through the evening and still be civil? Based on my one experience of something vaguely resembling a public breakup, I went out to a movie with a girl, knowing I was going to have 'the talk' with her afterwards. But hey, I was in high school and I sure as hell didn't know any better. Did this guy make the same mistake, or did something happen? Either way, the whole concept of the messy public breakup always fascinates me. Is there anything quite as awkward? Plus, isn't the whole idea of breaking up with someone in public so that they can't make a scene? Doesn't this negate the whole concept of breaking up with someone in public? Moreover, what in the hell might happen if they broke up in a more private, secluded area?

Just some things to keep in the back of your head as we make our way through the week.

Go Obama.