You look like a vagrant

Not any of you, dear readers. Actually, at the moment I'm thinking of a chap I saw at the coffee shop tonight. He was wearing, and I cannot make this up: a blue t-shirt, a blue blazer, green and blue plaid pajama pants, and flip-flops. Well-groomed or not, this particular outfit broadcasts to the world "I could give a shit about how I look. I officially give up."

This got me thinking, and I have come to a few realizations about what can and cannot be worn in public. Women have a whole different set of rules because, hell, they're attractive. They can wear sack-cloth if they choose and still find guys (like me, for instance) who still think they look pretty damn good. So here are a few rules for guys, if you are going out in public. Doesn't matter if it's just to get coffee, to get a newspaper, or just to get something out of your car.

Rule #1: Wear real pants. I know that, especially in our society, comfort is everything. Sweats, pajama pants, and basketball shorts are all lovely and feel great. You can let your stomach hang out if it's there. You can take them off without doing anything other than maybe untying a piece of string. You can enjoy the freedom of the crotch only enjoyed by loose cotton garments. But there's one little problem - you look like a fucking tool. Please, PLEASE don't confound matters by wearing something respectable (leather jacket, blazer, or anything of the like) on top.

Rule #2: Wear real shoes. Yes, you beach bums love your flip-flops. Yes you hippies love your Birkenstocks or bare dirty feet. There are even guys out there who wear those Uggs that look a HELL of a lot like slippers. Apparently all of you have forgotten one key fact: men, as a whole, have HORRID feet. Either you've got the nasty hobbit look going on, or you have pale and weird-looking feet. Chances are if you wear sandals often, either you get a pedicure or else you have hideous callouses and all that. Cover them shits up. For the good of everyone. This does not mean, however, that it is EVER okay to wear socks with sandals. Ever.

Rule #3: Inspect your clothes for holes often. Yes, even those ever-so-cool jeans that look like they've been run over by a truck right off the rack, those have to go. For women it's sexy to have little sneak peeks of skin here and there. For men, it looks like you can't afford real clothes. Shirts shouldn't even have to be mentioned, but hey, it happens too. If you can see sunlight through your clothing, it's time to let it go.

Rule #4: Pull your goddamn pants up. Most of us know where our waists are. We have belts to keep our pants in this general vicinity. Yes, I flash a little butt crack from time to time, but on the whole, I keep everything covered. I can appreciate a little bit of sag - it can look natural, and is better than rocking a pair of nutters, but when you have three-plus inches of ANYTHING showing between waist and belt, you're just wrong.

Rule #5: Headgear is a privelidge, not a right. These are general rules that apply to all males above the age of 22: baseball hats should be worn forwards. No cocking off just so much to the side, no resting it waaay back like a hillbilly, and by all means, don't wear it backwards. For that matter, don't wear any hat backwards, ever. It was cool in high school, you can get away with it in college, but when you're complaining about your day at the office while rocking a backwards Sox hat, you just look dumb. Also, visors should NEVER be worn, unless maybe you're a Pro Beach Volleyball player. Even then, it's suspect. Buy yourself a decent fedora, a newsboy hat, or something original. Headbands may ONLY be worn when working out, and bandannas should never EVER be worn in public. They're great to keep hair off your face when you're working on something in the garage. Keep them there.

Just take a page out of the book of Bill: wear tees, hoodies, jeans or dickies, and tennis shoes or boots whenever you leave the house. You'll never find yourself being written about by me.