Mustaccio.

Well, at least the weather has mellowed out again, so I feel that I am physically a bit more able to function than I was yesterday.

The last couple of days have been filled with facial hair. Not mine, mind you, but others around me. So I thought in honor of this interesting turn of events, I'd try to examine a little bit about what the heck is going on in this facial hair revival. Some time ago, I made the argument that Tom Selleck's "Magnum" moustache was one of the more formidable moustaches seen in entertainment. I was thrilled that other people also weighed in on their opinions. I'm going to run through a few popular or common facial hair options and give a little closer examination to the pros, cons, and in-betweens of these various styles.

MOUSTACHES

The Magnum: I've already mentioned it a few times. Think Selleck, think Ned Flanders. It's the only thing those two fellas have in common. This is the big 'n nasty of moustaches. It goes from immediately under the nostril to the edges of the mouth, and no further. It's thick and lush. Left unchecked, it can be nauseating to look at, but if you keep it clean, you'll be a hit with the ladies. If it worked for Ron Burgundy, it can work for you, too.

The Fu Manchu: This particular 'stache shows up in two incarnations. The first is the original and truest, which requires the edges of the moustache to be long and flowing. I don't know anyone who can rock this naturally. Other than Boris Karloff, of course, and his was a prop. So for us mortal folk, there's the hipster fu manchu, which is probably the most widely seen and accepted form of the ironic hipster moustache. It roughly resembles an upside down horse shoe. When it comes to this bad boy, the bushier the better.

The Frenchie/The Pencil: Yes, I'm lumping the two together, but it's mainly because they are only separated in mindset and the little patch right under the nose. Each are thin, and while the pencil connects from edge to edge across the mouth (a la John Waters), the frenchie is split in the middle by generally no more than a centimeter. It may also, on rare occasions, be curled up at the tips.

The Handlebar: A thick, lush 'stache that curls up at the ends. Rollie Fingers was one of baseball's great closers, he's also one of the world's best handlebar moustaches. Look out, ladies, this one is making a comeback in a major way. The real secret is to find the right wax to give both hold and maneuverability.

The Franz Joseph: Want to look like an 1800s saloon owner? Just grown your sideburns along your cheeks and connect them shits into a thick and heavy moustache known as the Franz Joseph. Then drop some trivia knowledge that your facial hair was originally inspired by the first emperor of Austria. This look is limited to folks who can grow respectable cheek-beards, so users are sparse.

BEARDS

The Short-Box beard: This is your all-purpose beard. It's well-trimmed and sinks no lower than the jawline. This is the beard people should think of when they hear the term "beard". Unfortunately, if you let this one get out of hand, you end up looking like the flannel-sporting "Al" from TV's Home Improvement, or any of the guys on "This Old House".

The Goatee: This is the vanilla ice cream of beards. It has been criticized as being over-utilized by portly men to draw attention from double chins, or to create more chin where one has a weak jawline. I find that, when paired with respectable sideburns, this is the best bang for your facial hair buck, and it's hard to mess up as long as you keep it SHORT. No one wants a shaggy goat.

The Soul Patch: In my life, I have met one man who can make this work without looking like a complete tool. Alas, every wannabe yuppie paired the soul patch with a ponytail when they wore jeans and a sports coat and ruined this look forever.

The Landing Strip: Like the soul patch, but it extends to the bottom of the chin. It looks horrible no matter what. However, you can only make it worse by growing out long, scraggly hairs from a soul patch and letting them fall to the chin. For the worst, most egregious offender of this look, do yourselves a favor and do a google image search for "Scott Spezio". It makes me want to vomit, looking at that pink mess.

The Chin Patch: Essentially a goatee without the moustache component, this can be hit-or-miss. It tends to scream "look Mom, I'm seventeen and can grow facial hair!" but it can create a bit of flair for the right person. Don't let it creep down the neck, because that's just gross, and don't let it get too long or else you end up looking like Scott Ian from Anthrax. And unless you're making a tribute to the late Dimebag Darrell, PLEASE don't dye it pink and fork it out.

The Chinstrap: Also known as the gladiator, this can be a very flattering beard. It's basically a moderately wide swath of hair from sideburn to sideburn, via the chin. It's self-explanatory, really. Most people would think Big Papi, I prefer John Goodman in The Big Lebowski for the best celeb chinstrap, though he accompanied it with the moustache. Perhaps that's the difference between the gladiator and the chinstrap...
WARNING: while the chinstrap is almost universally flattering, don't leave it too thin, because then you look like one of those idiotic douches with the pencil-thin goatee/sideburn thing going on, and no one wants to be that guy.

The Anchor: A sadly under-utilized facial hair option. You're looking at a well-groomed chin patch (edge of mouth to edge of mouth) flowing into a landing strip (which is fine when connected to other facial hair, just not alone), creating the visual affect of an anchor on your chin. Works almost primarily with dark-haired folk.

The Coverall: Never a good look. Eric Clapton may be the only man left on the face of the earth that thinks this is okay. As the name suggests, you just let it all go, and keep it somewhat kempt and close-trimmed. It looks more like you're coming off a three-week bender.

The Amish: Sometimes called simply a neck beard, this is when one keeps everything clean shaven from the chin up, and lets the forest run wild down below. This look also makes me want to vomit. It worries me that metal heads have taken to growing this beard with a shaved head. Henry David Thoreau is the only person to make this look bearable.

The Grizzly Adams: Want to look like a mountain man while riding public transportation in a major metropolitan city? Just let the beard take over. This is a surprising (to me, at least) hipster favorite. Granted, men of larger statue should avoid this beard, widely due to it's "hairy bear" association. Just keep in mind: you want to be Grizzly Adams, not Gentle Ben.