Underpants.

For work today, I had to write up a quick blog on FreshPair.com, which is an online underwear store. I was generally impressed with the variety of what they had, though I was more than a little off-put by the large number of bulges that I was subjected to.

Before getting into it here, let me discuss my underpants philosophy: maybe twice a year or so I'll wander into an Old Navy, find designs that strike my fancy (usually involving guitars, booze, or the occasional plaid) and I'll buy like six pairs to last me until I need another pair. I spend maaaaybe five minutes a year thinking about underpants, so what was I supposed to say about all these pairs I saw on a blog read by conservative Midwestern housewives?

While I couldn't ask it on the company's blog, I can ask it here: does anyone still wear tighty whities? It seems to me that they are worn by every kid once they graduate from superhero undies until about high school, then boxers come in up until the point of about 35 or so. Am I completely off on this? Is there a whole tighty whitey insurgency out there that I am unaware of? Because I gotta say, this site was ALL about briefs. Some much more brief than others. How disturbing is it that they now make low-rise men's underwear? Just the thought makes me wanna vomit. I guess those he-men out there who pride themselves on having abs you can grate cheese on all need underpants that will stay out of their way when showing off their toned and sculpted bodies. I prefer my whole waistline just be ignored altogether. Hence no time thinking about underpants. Just another question while I'm already queasy: what's with the banana hammock? I don't get it. I don't think any woman finds it the least bit attractive. I don't care how much tail you get, there's no excuse for any man to wear undergarments that consists of less cloth and provide less coverage than their female counterparts.

So with all this in mind, and after having someone request that I spend a part of my day perusing underthings, I began thinking about male versus female underthings. I think it all has something to do with visibility. Men, though thankfully less than like 8 years ago, still tend to flaunt their underpants in public far too much. I don't know why this is because men's underpants is all about function. There is no beauty in men's underpants. Outside of art, there is no adornment. Speaking as a male, I am happy about this. Women's underwear, however, is almost the opposite. From the male point of view (at least from most males' point of view) the less actual underwear and the less coverage it supplies, the better. I'm not being a perv, I'm just giving it to you straight here. For this reason, a glimpse of female underwear is usually kind of a thrill. Properly chosen and properly worn, underpants choice can speak volumes about a woman. This is why countless women eschew the "granny" variety of all undergarments for things that have lace and are either black or red despite their general deficits in comfort. At least that's my theory.

Think of it this way: most women don't start to salivate at the sight of a man unbuttoning his pants and revealing some boxer. If a woman does the same action and reveals some black undergarment, regardless of ornamentation or material, 99% of men with feel a noticeable pickup in their pulse rate.