Cynicism.

Don't worry, I'm not going to rant about how much I hate everything. I'm not even going to bring up clever little gripes that I've seen over the course of my day. There's a big part of me that wants to write some self-pitying "I'm going to wind up dead and alone" kind of posting, because I spent a decent amount of the night dwelling on how little I can relate with a vast amount of society - especially those closest to my age.

Tell you the truth, I don't know what I really want to write about. I'm here, it's 2:30 in the morning, and I'm wide awake. I feel creative enough. I've been out and about a lot of the day and some of last night, so I should have plenty of inspiration, but alas, I am drawing a blank. I guess more than anything else at the moment, I feel I'm in a holding pattern. It's like so much of my life and expectations hinges on finishing this Master's degree and getting a decent job. I know that I'm making progress, working towards an attainable goal, and all that jazz, but when I look around right now, it feels like little has changed since I came back to SF after my first year of college -- I'm holding on financially while living in a basement room, eager to finish school, surrounded by books and music. Yes, I also realize that this whole lifestyle at the moment isn't really conducive to a normal social life, either. "Hey, wanna come back to my shoddy little basement room, sit on my little twin bed and watch a DVD on my computer?" Granted, I've actually heard of people who think that might qualify as a "date", but I guess I have slightly higher standards of myself.

Granted, I could still be at Wallenberg and be as miserable as I was two years ago, just with more cash in the bank. Hell, teachers all across the bay are getting pink slips this weekend, and I know a couple of friends who are "seeing pink" right now, so I'm certain I would have had that to deal with, then I'd REALLY be back to where I was when I finished college -- searching for a teaching job. Leaving the halls of high school education is one decision that I'm still comfortable with for the most part.

Finally, there's a little shred of me that wants to go back and delete this whole post. See, I fall into an ironic little catch-22 here: I generally think that the exhibitionist tendencies that come out in bloggers is a little lame, yet I do it myself from time to time (like tonight). I guess I can take come comfort in the fact that, for the most part, I stay away from my keyboard when I'm feeling maudlin, but I couldn't help myself tonight. I'd go for a long drive tonight to clear my head a bit, but gas is ridiculous these days. Seriously, for the first time tonight, saw premium gas priced at over four dollars a gallon. I'd go for a walk, but there have been intermittent showers all night, and I don't really feel like getting sick again. So, dear readers, here we are. Fortunately for all of us, I think I'm going to call it a night, and leave you with the immortal words of Beck:

I'm a driver. I'm a winner. Things are going to change, I can feel it.