Hats.

Yes, I know this has been discussed before, but I spent much of the evening at the A's game tonight and on BART both to and from the game, so I had plenty of time to sit and stew about all this.

I have come to the point in my life where I realize that I can only wear a baseball hat in one manner: the generic white man baseball hat style. That means straight forward, with just enough curve to the bill to make it a tad more comfortable. Worn at an angle roughly parallel with the ground. I am fine with this. In some ways, I am even happy about it.

Now here are some of the abominations I saw today.

1) The Charlie Brown: This is the worst offender in my mind. I can't even link it to any particular ethnic or social group. But you all know what I'm talking about -- this is when guys insist on wearing their hat with an absolutely flat bill (usually with the stickers still on it to show authenticity) that is also a few sizes too big, so that they can tuck their ears in to the hat. I just don't get it. This cannot be, or at least should never be, cool. (my example is with the ears out, but y'all must have seen it somewhere)

2) The straight-to-the-side: This is tragically uncool unless you're a rapper from the '80s. Even then, it was borderline. Sadly, the cool rappers have all replaced the sideways hat with....

3) The cock-a-doodle: Also known as the gangsta lean, this is wearing the hat at an extreme angle, usually a bit off to the side, and often at a low slant. Some guys have switched it up and done the side-cock while wearing the hat far back on their head. Which leads me to....

4) The farmboy: This is the look popularized by many older men (my father included) in which the hat rides faaaar back on the head, exposing the entire forehead. Acceptable for those who are sixty-plus, but few others. This almost entirely negates the benefit of wearing a hat, which is to use the bill of a hat for shade. This leads me to...

5) The backwards hat: this is a socially acceptable for people who believe themselves to be cool. Generally speaking, most any male can rock this look through high school, but by the time college rolls around, especially for white males, this look get waylaid by frat boys. Which is why most people past about 25 shouldn't even bother attempting this look. It can sometimes slip by well enough if you are wearing a fitted hat, and don't have the awful sunrise of forehead exposed above the adjustable band of your hat. Whatever you do, NEVER wear a backwards hat in the farmboy manner. That look is reserved for dorks in the 80s and maybe beach volleyball players. Which leads me to...

6) The flip-up: When one feels the inexplicable need to flip the bill of their hat upwards, either in a straight-ish line, or possibly worse, to curl the bill of the hat up so that it curls over upon itself. This should pretty much never be done. I've never seen anyone look cool doing it. Except maybe Karch.

So, white males age 25 and up, I implore you, take a page out of the Book of Bill, and wear your hats like normal human beings. The world thanks you. So does Karch.